I’m really excited about this month – some news is due in about personal projects and it’s the start of Spring and all it brings. We’ll be outside more, I’ll run more and eat more salads I think! 😉. We also have Mother’s Day and Easter around the corner!

I’m looking forward to feeling more energised as with the ‘beast from the east’ and a 10day cold and throat infection I felt VERY flat toward the end of February.

I set my intent of ‘acceptance and action’ as for a while now I have been conscious about how attached I get to outcomes connected to work especially if they sit miles apart from what I expected them to be. You can read about how I set monthly intents here!

Hummingbird Project 2017

I feel like there’s always so much opportunity for personal growth with self awareness.

For over 10 years my security (and by that I mean freelance job security and how I pay the bills) has been attached to the success of HUGE funding bids mostly to arts funders.

Each big job has brought with it short term contracts with me working alongside a whole team of people who have security in one way or another which has served to highlight that at 36 I am still living a relatively precarious and unpredictable way of working.

Waiting for an outcome knowing that with a negative NO the inevitable tidal wave of self criticism plus panic about making ends meet versus a positive outcome which means the recognition of your ideas and the money to make them all happen for another 12months started to make me all kinds of wound up.

Don’t get me wrong, as someone who’s free spirited, this way of life suited me for a good while.

It’s started to jar if I’m honest when I became a mother although the reasons were not all linked to motherhood.

In December 2017, thanks to working with coach Chandler Stevens through his Trust the Flux programme, I realised this cycle I’d put myself in was completely and utterly depleting me and I decided it was time to get the hell out of it!

This step was HUGELY scary for me and it’s only really now I’m happy to write about it 3 months on. I understand now why I kept repeating cycles and how I didn’t recognise why it was leaving me in flux!

I truly believe once we accept something has happened to us in a certain way we have MORE space for action as we are not being held back by the ‘what ifs…’ anymore.

DISCLAIMER – This month’s intent serves as a protection to my ego too because if I am not successful with my application my intent will anchor me to moving on in action in the best and most positive possible way!

So here I am in a waiting game again except this time it’s completely different – I’ve reframed my thinking and I’m not waiting like I used to do because I am not attached to the outcome and haven’t even thought or written about the application since I submitted it…. much!

It’s not as simple as a yes being the most brilliant thing in the world and a no being super bad news as there would be a lot more work to do before interview and I would have to seek out some support to travel to London as I’ve not been since Summer 2016 when I left the city a trembling wreck.

I’ll perhaps write about the incident that caused this at some point this month to help with the healing process and reach out for the support as I’d like to fully move on from it so I can visit friends there.✨🌷